Small talk turns to dust in my mouth.

Why do I look away, when people look into my eyes?

I don't think about it.
It's just that when I am engaged in conversation and eye contact is established, it's impossible to maintain. I don't think about it. It just happens, or doesn't happen, or starts then stops happening. I involuntarily look away within less than a second. And I don’t even think it’s one of those social courtesy type things. You should be able to look into someone else’s eyes without having to go through an entirely separate thought process, right?

I must have conditioned myself. The notion that if I was looking into their eyes they must be looking at mine, and I don’t like my eyes, so what if they don’t like my eyes, what if they are silently judging me as they speak. Years of eye contact being associated with human contact. Human contact being the thing that would lead to that involuntary, uncontrollable rush of blood to my young face. Like accidently knocking over a glass of water and watching the surge of liquid flood the surrounding area.

I blush.

Don’t get me wrong it got better, it’s 2009 and I can speak to people I don’t know and remain a pale freckly pink. But there was something about how I had developed as a teenager that made the concept of ME being the centre of attention, well to put it bluntly, downrightfrickinterrifying.
Those parents evenings where I would cower behind my mum, praying not to be asked a question. Those inevitable school classroom presentations where that lump in my throat refused to budge, no matter how many times I tried to swallow it down, stumbling over my words, my face burning and prickling under the fluorescent lights.

I never could take a compliment. It’s not something you can just accept without thought. It’s another human being making the effort to let you know they genuinely like something about you or something you have created. And it needs to be appreciated, and it’s a little bit scary.
Sometimes, when I feel secure and confident that it is heartfelt, I can genuinely bring myself to agree (This is when the definitions of the words “sometimes” and “rarely” have been swapped in my mind-dictionary).

It’s just that somewhere along the line something made me a bit more comfortable with being me. It’s close to coming full circle. I almost like blushing now. I just need to work on being able to stare into people’s eyes. Talking about things that matter, that’s a challenge for another day.

“Beware, the world is more fierce, mysterious and beautiful than you imagine. And so are you.”